MY EVIL TWIN - THE ROAD MAP TO SUCKCESS
The Beginning:
*
We aim to: Create an inordinate
amount of "buzz". In years to come, everyone who's anyone will
later claim to have been at these wild early shows...even though the
amount of supposed attendees could never have fitted in the venue. We will
sign to the major record company who offers us the most money regardless
of their roster or intentions. The big bucks will win our signature.
The
First Album:
*
We aim to: Go massively
over-budget in the studio as the recording process drags on and on. During
this time we hope to become increasingly depended on our substances of
choice, building up a healthy dependency.
*
We aim to: Get dangerously close
to breaking-up due to "artists differences" during the album's
recording. In reality, this will be because we discover we've all been
fucking each other's girlfriends.
*
We aim to: Release a mediocre, at
best, album full of shiny, polished, radio-friendly soft rock. The reviews
will be average but, due to the large amount spent by the promotions and
marketing departments, our album will be ubiquitous and thus sell copious
amounts.
*
We aim to: Release every song
from the album as a single - in multi-formats, complete with throw-away
b-sides and sub-standard remixes. Each release will easily sell the
required 500 copies needed to secure the number one position for the first
week of release. Each single will drop out of the top 40 in the second
week
*
We aim to: Be on the cover of
every available magazine. In these interviews we will constantly insist
the money, success and fame won't change who we are as people. We will
then stop returning the phone calls of our old friends as they'll only
remind us of who we were before we were huge stars.
*
We aim to: Dump our girlfriends
in favour of celebrity models.
The
Second Album:
*
We aim to: Develop our substance
abuses to new heights during the recording of the second album, once again
sending us way over budget.
*
We aim to: Trash the offices of
any magazine who gives us a bad review. The damage will cost thousands of
pounds but will be but a trifle compared to the sales we achieve through
the media coverage of the events.
*
We aim to: Complain about the
intrusions into our private lives - carefully set up by our publicists -
and brawl with photographers as we leave trendy nightclubs with that
week's model on our arm.
*
We aim to: Conquer
America with expensive videos and by selling our music for use on adverts
and in films staring people such as Vin Diesel.
*
We aim to: Start hanging out with
people who's music we used to despise for being unimaginative, commercial,
vacuous and dull. We will begin to use phrases such as, "We really
respect them as an artists" when talking about acts who should have
stopped releasing music years ago. We will also start to talk about our
"Artistic visions".
*
We aim to: Get in with the likes
of Kate Moss and Stella McCartney.
The
Third Album:
*
We aim to: Record our third album
and start experimenting with "eastern influences" and exploring
our "spirituality". We'll regularly be photographed wearing
kaftans during this period of our career. The album will be produced by
someone Swedish who normally works with pop acts such as Britney Spears in
an attempt to develop and polish our sound.
*
We aim to: Release an over-long,
self-indulgent mess, yet it will be our biggest seller. We'll start doing
shows at places such as Knebworth and Wembley Arena.
*
We aim to: Hype each album by
saying it is our best yet...until we release our next one, when we say how
disappointed we were with the previous release. However, this new one will
definitely be our best.
*
We aim to: Begin looking like
walking corpses as we battle with our "inner demons" - for which
please read drug addictions
*
We aim to: Dramatically change
our politics from left-wing to right as we become concerned about the
amount of tax we pay. We will invest in off-shore accounts and spend a
large amount of time out of the country for tax reasons. During this time
we will travel through Kashmir and Morroco for a few days. We will spend a
few hours on photo shoots in a couple of poor countries helping out
with aid organisation (though we only ever leave the luxury hotel to have
our photos taken with a few locals). We will find some worthy cause to add
our name to - though nothing too controversial. We will then spend months
partying in Los Angeles with film stars.
*
We aim to: Appear in various film
projects were our acting abilities will not even rival those of Jon Bon
Jovi or Madonna.
*
We aim to: Discover our
accountants have, for many years, been screwing us out of millions of
pounds resulting in high-profile lawsuits.
*
We aim to: Check into rehab. When
we're clean, we'll do a series of confessional interviews in which
we talk about our new found friendships with each other. We'll admit to
being addicted to painkillers at some point in the past.
The
Fourth Album:
*
We aim to: Record our
back-to-basics release somewhere in the country. It will be marketed as us
going back to our roots (though, in fact, it is an effort to water down
our already weak music in an attempt to target that all-important
30-something market). To help achieve this, our promotions department will
book us onto shows such as The National Lottery and the Patrick Kielty
show (after which there will be a small scandal as one of our t-shirts
will be emblazoned with a slightly risqué slogan).
*
We aim to: Get hair plugs in an
attempt to look younger than we actually are. All close-up photography
will be bared unless signs of age are airbrushed out on Photoshop
*
We aim to: Have at least one
nervous breakdown within the group. The member will disappear for months
while the reaming two feign concern and start circulating rumours of his
death (even though it is the initial part of a new press campaign). When
the missing member returns (to an even bigger, second-wave of press), they
will bare their soul about the pressure of life in the spotlight in a
series of exclusive interviews (with as many magazines and papers
as possible).
*
We aim to: Marry high-profile,
famous-for-being-famous women. They will, naturally, be mere trophy wives
who spend all our money on designer labels. We will only get on when we're
high, yet in interviews talk about how they've tamed our wild ways. They
will be having an affair with either another famous male or with another
member of the band. We will also be fucking various models throughout the
marriage.
*
We aim to: Each father at least
one child with a famous actress and/or model.
* We aim to:
Have kids and talk about our subsequent "dramatic shift in
priorities". We shall make a huge deal about how we're no longer
selfish and have found a new, inner peace. We will be fucking each other's
kid's nannies at this point
The
Fifth Album:
*
We aim to: Record an overblown
fifth album featuring orchestras and musicians flown in from around the
world. During this period, we hope to develop irreversible differences and
split just after the albums release, thus ensuring a healthy amount of
press and sales.
Life
After my evil twin:
*
We aim to: Allow our record
company to release a Best Of, featuring the worst of our songs -
i.e. the singles. They will then release a compilation of b-sides and
rarities in an attempt to keep our music and fading profiles in the
spotlight. Both albums will feature liner notes by some journalist no one
has ever heard of.
*
We aim to: Produce worthless solo
offerings that make no effort to hide lyrics whose sole purpose is to slag
off our ex-band mates.
*
We aim to: Sell our music to be
used in a West-End musical written by a middle-aged, once slightly funny
comic. We will make a big deal about how the project has brought us back
together as friends.
*
We aim to: Allow the least
talented member of the band to spend many years making public their wish
to reform, all while the more talented members carry on releasing
shockingly bad solo albums that stretch the patience, and will power, of
even the most die-hard fans.
*
We aim to: Have at least one of
us die from either a drugs overdose or in a car crash. If it's the former,
a famous model will be found in their bed along with extreme sexual
devices. If it's the latter, a whole series of interviews that spookily
hint at the untimely death will be re-printed. All our famous friends will
turn up at the funeral. Heat magazine will get exclusive rights to the
pictures of us in mourning, complete with product placement on the coffin.
*
We aim to: Have the surviving
members re-form the band with the dead member replaced by one their many
children (either legitimate or illegitimate). We will constantly mention
how it feels like the dead member is up on stage with us.
*
We aim to: Release a Box-Set
containing versions of songs where at least one note might be slightly
different from the original. We will charge an extortionate amount of
money for this because it will come with a full-colour booklet
featuring previously unseen photographs. Once again, an un-known
journalist will spout superlatives about us.
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