MY EVIL TWIN - THE ROAD MAP TO SUCKCESS

The Beginning:

 * We aim to: Create an inordinate amount of "buzz". In years to come, everyone who's anyone will later claim to have been at these wild early shows...even though the amount of supposed attendees could never have fitted in the venue. We will sign to the major record company who offers us the most money regardless of their roster or intentions. The big bucks will win our signature.

 The First Album:

 * We aim to: Go massively over-budget in the studio as the recording process drags on and on. During this time we hope to become increasingly depended on our substances of choice, building up a healthy dependency.

 * We aim to: Get dangerously close to breaking-up due to "artists differences" during the album's recording. In reality, this will be because we discover we've all been fucking each other's girlfriends.

 * We aim to: Release a mediocre, at best, album full of shiny, polished, radio-friendly soft rock. The reviews will be average but, due to the large amount spent by the promotions and marketing departments, our album will be ubiquitous and thus sell copious amounts.

 * We aim to: Release every song from the album as a single - in multi-formats, complete with throw-away b-sides and sub-standard remixes. Each release will easily sell the required 500 copies needed to secure the number one position for the first week of release. Each single will drop out of the top 40 in the second week

 * We aim to: Be on the cover of every available magazine. In these interviews we will constantly insist the money, success and fame won't change who we are as people. We will then stop returning the phone calls of our old friends as they'll only remind us of who we were before we were huge stars.

 * We aim to: Dump our girlfriends in favour of celebrity models.

 The Second Album:

 * We aim to: Develop our substance abuses to new heights during the recording of the second album, once again sending us way over budget.

 * We aim to: Trash the offices of any magazine who gives us a bad review. The damage will cost thousands of pounds but will be but a trifle compared to the sales we achieve through the media coverage of the events.

 * We aim to: Complain about the intrusions into our private lives - carefully set up by our publicists - and brawl with photographers as we leave trendy nightclubs with that week's model on our arm.

 * We aim to: Conquer America with expensive videos and by selling our music for use on adverts and in films staring people such as Vin Diesel.

 * We aim to: Start hanging out with people who's music we used to despise for being unimaginative, commercial, vacuous and dull. We will begin to use phrases such as, "We really respect them as an artists" when talking about acts who should have stopped releasing music years ago. We will also start to talk about our "Artistic visions".

 * We aim to: Get in with the likes of Kate Moss and Stella McCartney.

 The Third Album:

 * We aim to: Record our third album and start experimenting with "eastern influences" and exploring our "spirituality". We'll regularly be photographed wearing kaftans during this period of our career. The album will be produced by someone Swedish who normally works with pop acts such as Britney Spears in an attempt to develop and polish our sound.

 * We aim to: Release an over-long, self-indulgent mess, yet it will be our biggest seller. We'll start doing shows at places such as Knebworth and Wembley Arena.

 * We aim to: Hype each album by saying it is our best yet...until we release our next one, when we say how disappointed we were with the previous release. However, this new one will definitely be our best.

 * We aim to: Begin looking like walking corpses as we battle with our "inner demons" - for which please read drug addictions

 * We aim to: Dramatically change our politics from left-wing to right as we become concerned about the amount of tax we pay. We will invest in off-shore accounts and spend a large amount of time out of the country for tax reasons. During this time we will travel through Kashmir and Morroco for a few days. We will spend a few hours on photo shoots in a couple of poor countries helping out with aid organisation (though we only ever leave the luxury hotel to have our photos taken with a few locals). We will find some worthy cause to add our name to - though nothing too controversial. We will then spend months partying in Los Angeles with film stars.

 * We aim to: Appear in various film projects were our acting abilities will not even rival those of Jon Bon Jovi or Madonna.

 * We aim to: Discover our accountants have, for many years, been screwing us out of millions of pounds resulting in high-profile lawsuits.

 * We aim to: Check into rehab. When we're clean, we'll do a series of confessional interviews in which we talk about our new found friendships with each other. We'll admit to being addicted to painkillers at some point in the past.

 The Fourth Album:

 * We aim to: Record our back-to-basics release somewhere in the country. It will be marketed as us going back to our roots (though, in fact, it is an effort to water down our already weak music in an attempt to target that all-important 30-something market). To help achieve this, our promotions department will book us onto shows such as The National Lottery and the Patrick Kielty show (after which there will be a small scandal as one of our t-shirts will be emblazoned with a slightly risqué slogan).

 * We aim to: Get hair plugs in an attempt to look younger than we actually are. All close-up photography will be bared unless signs of age are airbrushed out on Photoshop

 * We aim to: Have at least one nervous breakdown within the group. The member will disappear for months while the reaming two feign concern and start circulating rumours of his death (even though it is the initial part of a new press campaign). When the missing member returns (to an even bigger, second-wave of press), they will bare their soul about the pressure of life in the spotlight in a series of exclusive interviews (with as many magazines and papers as possible).

 * We aim to: Marry high-profile, famous-for-being-famous women. They will, naturally, be mere trophy wives who spend all our money on designer labels. We will only get on when we're high, yet in interviews talk about how they've tamed our wild ways. They will be having an affair with either another famous male or with another member of the band. We will also be fucking various models throughout the marriage.

 * We aim to: Each father at least one child with a famous actress and/or model.

 * We aim to: Have kids and talk about our subsequent "dramatic shift in priorities". We shall make a huge deal about how we're no longer selfish and have found a new, inner peace. We will be fucking each other's kid's nannies at this point

 The Fifth Album:

 * We aim to: Record an overblown fifth album featuring orchestras and musicians flown in from around the world. During this period, we hope to develop irreversible differences and split just after the albums release, thus ensuring a healthy amount of press and sales.

 Life After my evil twin:

 * We aim to: Allow our record company to release a Best Of, featuring the worst of our songs - i.e. the singles. They will then release a compilation of b-sides and rarities in an attempt to keep our music and fading profiles in the spotlight. Both albums will feature liner notes by some journalist no one has ever heard of.

 * We aim to: Produce worthless solo offerings that make no effort to hide lyrics whose sole purpose is to slag off our ex-band mates.

 * We aim to: Sell our music to be used in a West-End musical written by a middle-aged, once slightly funny comic. We will make a big deal about how the project has brought us back together as friends.

 * We aim to: Allow the least talented member of the band to spend many years making public their wish to reform, all while the more talented members carry on releasing shockingly bad solo albums that stretch the patience, and will power, of even the most die-hard fans.

 * We aim to: Have at least one of us die from either a drugs overdose or in a car crash. If it's the former, a famous model will be found in their bed along with extreme sexual devices. If it's the latter, a whole series of interviews that spookily hint at the untimely death will be re-printed. All our famous friends will turn up at the funeral. Heat magazine will get exclusive rights to the pictures of us in mourning, complete with product placement on the coffin.

 * We aim to: Have the surviving members re-form the band with the dead member replaced by one their many children (either legitimate or illegitimate). We will constantly mention how it feels like the dead member is up on stage with us.

 * We aim to: Release a Box-Set containing versions of songs where at least one note might be slightly different from the original. We will charge an extortionate amount of money for this because it will come with a full-colour booklet featuring previously unseen photographs. Once again, an un-known journalist will spout superlatives about us.